When Brains Don’t Work the Same

You love each other — and yet, it often feels like you’re speaking different languages. Misunderstandings pile up. One of you needs more structure, the other more spontaneity. Emotional needs get missed. Arguments loop in circles. And beneath it all, there’s a quiet question you may have started asking yourself:

Could neurodiversity be part of our relationship dynamic?

What is neurodiversity, anyway?

Neurodiversity is a term that describes the natural variations in how human brains function. ADHD, autism, dyslexia and other cognitive profiles are not flaws or deficits — they’re just different ways of processing the world. And when one or both partners are neurodivergent, it can affect everything from how you communicate to how you co-regulate.

What it can look like in a relationship:

• Different needs for stimulation and downtime. One of you might love multitasking and novelty, while the other gets easily overwhelmed by noise, plans or pressure.
  
  Other examples of countless dynamic possibilities are that it could feel like an "introvert" and "extrovert" dynamic or the way my partner describes it a "turtles & rabbits" dynamic :)
  
• Communication disconnects. Tone of voice, facial expressions, or certain “unspoken rules/expectations” can be interpreted very differently.
  
• Emotional intensity or shutdowns. Some partners feel everything so much — others need much more time & space for processing.
  
  This misalignment in the midst of emotional exchanges can be very confusing.
  
• Executive function differences. Task initiation/completion, planning, meeting deadlines, remembering to text back — these may not be about carelessness, but cognitive load, processing priority in different sequences or structural differences in short-term memory capacity.
  
• A sense of imbalance. One partner may take on the “manager” role, feeling burned out or underappreciated. The other may feel constantly criticised or misunderstood.
  
  It may also be that each partner feels they are the "manager" of different aspects of the relationship/life based on different perceptions of priority or capacity.
  

What happens when you name it?

When neurodiversity is understood — not judged — it can be a game-changer.

You stop blaming personality flaws and start seeing patterns.

You stop asking, “What’s wrong with us/you?” and begin asking, “What do we need so we can function better together?”

Some signs this may be your case:

• You often feel like you're over-explaining, having to re-explain or walking on eggshells.
  
• You or your partner struggle with sensory sensitivities, burnout, or emotional overwhelm.
  
• There is a sense that you are mistranslating or being mistranslated even though you are speaking the same language. Perhaps being told you are "not listening" when you know you are listening (or trying to listen) with every ounce of your being.
  
• Arguments repeat without resolution, sometimes about things you seem to even agree on and both of you end up feeling hurt, confused and/or completely exhausted.
  
• One of you has (or suspects they have) ADHD or autism — or both!
  
  

You don’t need a "perfect" relationship. You just need tools, language, and support that reflect your wiring.

That’s where relational therapy informed by neurodiversity can help — not by fixing anyone, but by creating new ways to connect.